I’ve been putting off writing today’s post, because I haven’t had the slightest clue what to make it about. Terrible excuse, I know. But this is my blog, and I’ll slack if I want to. That’s how it works, right?
I’ve also been feeling uninspired lately. I get uninspired when I’m stressed, and these days, I’ve been stressed about money. Or rather, the lack thereof. I’m not like, in ruins or anything, but the circumstances of this school year means things are a little tighter. Like, I’m going to school farther from my house, so transit cost is a thing. I’m in real college now, so I have to factor in textbooks and supplies. Oh, and I’m studying in the most expensive city in Canada. Can someone remind me why I chose to do that?
But, I digress. There I was: unmotivated to write a blog post. Preoccupied with finances. Until suddenly, one morning while I was brushing my teeth, the light emanating from my window hit me just right and my entire being began to glow luscious gold. My eyes widened. A little baby angel flew in the door and kissed me softly on the tip of my nose while sprinkling confetti all over the old tie-dye shirt I sleep in. Choirs were singing. Outside, I heard cheering. And it hit me!
I literally created this blog because I wanted a place to publicly complain about the struggles of being a twenty-something. So why not talk about what is possibly the most universal problem for young adults? Money!
I was worried about it anyways, so it’s relevant to my life. And I’m sure I’m not the only college student who has no goddamn idea how she’s going to afford anything. Of course I should make a post about it!
That brings me to today. Let’s worry about money together, shall we?
(Also, I was exaggerating about what happened when I realized what to write about. I wasn’t brushing my teeth!)
I’ll start with a rather embarrassing confession: this year is the first time I’ve practiced budgeting. I know I’m incredibly lucky to be able to say that. In retrospect, I probably should’ve had a budget last year, when I first moved out. But, at that point, I thought I’d only be in Toronto for two years (the duration of my performing program). I had enough money saved up to cover most of that. I figured after graduation, I’d be working shows, and then I could rebuild my savings on my own.
Flawed logic? Absolutely! Naïve? Incredibly! But we’ve already been over how unprepared I was (am?) for the real world. I want to focus on the facts about right now.
I have a budget this year. A tight one. And with it, I should be able to mostly afford this year, with a little help from the bank. But I’m worried for two reasons: what happens if I break my budget, and what happens in the years to come.
My first worry, breaking my budget, is kind of minor. I have incredible willpower; I should be able to keep it up. But I’m already realizing I need to make some adjustments in order to live within my means. For example, the grocery store closest to my house is far too expensive to buy enough to stay fed within my budget. So, I’ll have to find time walk a little farther to a cheaper grocery store. I wish I had realized earlier how expensive the store near my house is, because we’re not even halfway through September, and I only have $60 left to buy food for the whole month. I can do it, but I’ll be hungry. And I do stupid things when I’m hungry, like go over my budget to buy food. Do you see them problem here?
I guess something I’m realizing is that cheaper things come at a cost of more time. Yes, I can manage with my tighter grocery budget, but it means I’ll need to walk a little farther to get food. That, and I’ll probably have to learn to cook with cheaper things that take a little longer to prepare: tofu instead of tempeh, rice instead of quinoa, you get the gist. What I’m gaining in affordability, I’m losing in convenience. And I worry about that, because I’m in college for God’s sake. I work. I have homework. I need to clean and do laundry and commute an hour both ways to school every day. Will I even have time for that? Will I have time for anything?
Okay, so staying on-budget is a lifestyle adjustment. We all know I hate adjustments; I like planning things out beforehand and sticking to that plan come hell or high water. But, whatever. I’ll get used to it. If my choices are “find time to cook cheaper recipes” or “don’t eat at all because it’s too expensive”, I’m going to do the first thing.
What about emergencies, though? I don’t have any money put aside for repairs on broken appliances or extra income in case I forget to return a library book on time and am fined. Obviously, I try my best to avoid those things, but life happens, you know? And unfortunately, life happening could mean I can’t buy shampoo. It’s really scary to think about.
My second worry is a lot bigger. I’m stressed about the coming years. I am in year 1 of a 3 year college program, and at the end of it, I will have no money left. That’s not an exaggeration. Zero. I’ll work over the summer, of course, but it feels like my ability to continue in my program relies on me getting a really solid job during my break. No more minimum wage plus tips serving vegan burgers downtown. That just won’t cut it. I know some companies offer summer student internships and things, which would be great for financial reasons, and to get some work experience in my field. But those aren’t guaranteed! Also, earning a summer internship means I need to do incredibly well in school and build tons of rapport with my teachers during the first few semesters. That’s a lot of pressure to put on myself!
Basically, it feels like the decisions I make right now as far as connecting with my teachers and peers will have a direct impact on my ability to stay in Toronto and complete my program. I can’t, just, live. I have to think about the future.
Ironically enough, this comes at a time where I’ve been trying desperately to think about the future less. I have this tendency to plan my life out years in advance, and obviously, that’s not a healthy way to think. Now more than ever, though, it seems like I should be planning out my life, at least for the next few years. At the very least, I want to know how I’ll be able to afford it.
My parents say to just live this year within my budget, because that’ll get me through until next September. For the next few years, they say, we’ll figure it out as we go.
Figure it out as we go? Nice try, mister, but I have anxiety. I wish there were a way to plan out the next few years financially, without necessarily planning out my whole life. Does that make sense? It’s like a happy medium. For example, I don’t need to know what job I’m going to have this summer, or how I’m going to come across it, but I need know it will be high-paying enough to keep me in school next year. Or something like that, you know? It’s too hard for me to say, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” with my college education. The stakes are way too high.
But I know life doesn’t work that way. And I know being mad that life doesn’t work that way will only make things worse for me.
The truth is, I don’t know what’s going to happen next year. I’m going to try my absolute best to get a really good job, do really well in school, apply for scholarships, and live frugally. Even though that doesn’t solidify anything. Even though I’m terrified.
Student loans will help, too. I don’t qualify for much this year, because my having been moved out for only a year still technically means I’m dependent on my parents in the eyes of the government. This upcoming year, I’ll have been moved out for two years, be considered independent, and can get more funding.
But then, it’s hard to wrap my head around how much debt I’m going into. And I know it’s something most students, especially those who study away from home, experience, but it’s still brand new to me. Having $50,000 dollars to pay off on the day I graduate is a really daunting thing to hear. How long will I have? Does that mean I’ll have enough money to live my life, on top of repaying my loans? Will I have to move home until I’m 30 and everything is paid off? I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING AND I’M SCARED ALL THE TIME! You know? It’s so frustrating!
If there is any sort of conclusion to my madness, I think it’s that I wish being scared about money is something more people talked about. You’d think it would be, since I’m living in a city where they charge for excessive breathing. I feel like I don’t ever hear my friends or classmates talk about money, and that makes me feel really alone. It feels like other peoples’ silence on the subject means they know something about budgeting and saving that I don’t. Or, maybe it means that money is just not something they have to worry about. Most likely, though, it means they’re worried too, and we’re all just so scared of being vulnerable that nobody brings it up and we sit in a constant state of feeling like we’re the only ones who are stressed, when really, everything would be easier if we just talked about it.
That’s what I tried to do today. I don’t know if any of it made sense to any of you. Maybe I sound totally naïve and out-of-touch. But you know what? I am. I’m twenty, and I know nothing about handling my finances. I know, eventually, that everything will be alright. I know that, as time goes on, I’ll understand a little more about savings and chequings and lines of credit and loans versus grants and all the other bank terms that feel like a foreign language.
But I’m worried about the in-between. I’m worried about what happens before I start to understand money. I’m worried about the right now, and the next year, and the year after that. I’m so nervous I’ll make one simple mistake that fucks up the rest of my life, all because I didn’t know better.
Anyways, unrelated, but if anyone wants to etransfer me $10,000, it would be greatly appreciated.
My Growing Pains 